How to eat all you can eat

Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet

China Buffet

Old Country Buffet

Mexican Buffet

I could go on. There are tons of these types of places out there: "All You Can Eat," "Eat Till You're Full." But rarely do common everyday folk go into these places and actually eat all they can. It's a special occasion if someone actually eats more food than they actually paid for!

So how do you do it? How do beat the "All You Can Eat" game? Thank God quint is here, because I know the secret!

First of all, you can't be fat. Fat people can't eat all they can eat. It may not be a proven fact, but I've seen it on ESPN - every year when Coney Island has their famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, some puny little asian kid who has never seen a size 28 waist ends up crushing the competition. This year, one of the most famous eaters in the US (William "The Refridgerator" Perry, a man named after the place you keep food) was crushed by a skinny dude. I'm a skinny guy and I can sit for hours at thanksgiving dinner.

Second, you need to eat before you go to an all you can eat place. Don't look at me like I'm crazy, this is true! Look at it this way: a marathon runner wouldn't run a marathon without stretching his legs beforehand. A marathon eater should stretch his stomach before eating. Now don't go crazy, just eat a small amount of food, nothing filling and no empty calories. This means no candy, no bread and no alcohol. Eat something your stomach will digest to get it going - fruit, a small piece of chicken.

Clothing at a buffet is something that may people discuss. I'm of the mind that you can reall wear what you want, but you do want to have a semi-flexible wasitband. Sweatpants are a no-no. Have you seen people who wear sweatpants to a restaurant? You don't want to be that person.

Now you're ready to go to the buffet. When you arrive, you need to pick a decent seat. If you are at a buffet, pick one within viewing distance of the buffet line. You need to see when the food is arriving. If it's a Red Lobster-style all you can eat, where the waiter brings you more, get a booth for sure. You're going to be there a while and you want to be comfy.

DO NOT EAT THE BREAD!

Order water to drink. No soda, no alcohol. No juice or milk. Water. Get several napkins ready - if the buffet ends at a certain time, you don't want to waste time getting napkins or waiting for wait-staff to bring them. Silverware at a buffet is optional.

Don't waste your time on salad or fruit. If you followed my instructions, you've already had some fruit. You don't want to eat healthy at a buffet. You're eating all you can! Does that sound healthy at all to you?! Restaurants offer all you can eat salad because it's cheaper than all the other food! If you want to eat more than you've paid for, salad and fruit are instant no-nos. I've seen more than one person meet their downfall at the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet because they couldn't wait for another pizza to come out so they went for the breadsticks and salad.

An optional rule for buffets is to eat something you normally wouldn't like. Think about it: You're eating all you can. It's not going to be on your tounge long, so it won't taste bad for long either. When I go to Pizza Hut, I eat the Hawaiian Pizza, even though I don't like it - hawaiian pizza costs them more and I want to win here! If you follow this optional rule, make sure you end your dining experience on a food you like. You want to walk out of the restaurant with your palate satisfied.

If you have to wait for waitstaff to bring you food, order it in advance so it keeps coming. You don't want to be sitting long.

When eating, pace yourself. So many people make the mistake of cleaning their plate in the first five minutes that they lose steam.

Finally, when your done, sit back and relax, knowing that you have, indeed, eaten all you can and that your best effort was put forth. Eating all you can is not something to be taken lightly. It's as much a competition as a football or soccer game, and each competitor is worn down at the end of the day.