I've been interviewed

Ok Ok. So I asked for it. But I thought that it would be fun to find out what sort of things people wonder about the Lumpy and after some begging Christina obliged. So you'll have to forgive me for posting twice in one day as I am excited. Here we go.

1.if I could change one thing about this world what would it be and why?

I wish that everyone could come to a saving knowledge of Christ but having it forced on them would make it pointless so... I'd increase productivity 100% while cutting the work day by 50% that way we could all spend more time with our families.

2.what song takes you back to your childhood the minute you hear it? and why?

Call me AL. No doubt. Mainly because it is silly. Since I've grown a bit older I have become almost terminaly serious in reality and I'm seldom silly. But when I was a kid...

3.what has been the best day of your life so far.(excluding marrige and births of childeren..those are a give in)

Any day I come home to find my wife happy and my daughter (aka the Beast) smiles at me and lets me snuggle her for a little bit.

4.If you could be any color in a box of crayons what color would you be and why?

Grey describes me best. It's unassuming. It can hide behind all the other colors and then all of a sudden spring out to suprise you. But you never expect it because "Hey! It's only grey."

5.If you had the chance to live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?

Honestly. Right where I am. The Lumpy hates to travel and well... All my friends and family still live around here and those are the things that make me happy. All though I wouldnt mind owning a hot tub.

There I hope I did a sufficient job. I'd have put this on The Oddyssey but it doesn't really fit the theam. So thanks again Christina for taking the time to placate me. Now if I have this one right I get to make 5 questions and interview someone else so if there are any takers I'll take requests otherwise I may just ask quint and hipp for the heck of it.

Weird Laws

OK, Annie you inspired this one with your comment about illegal names. I'm not sure if all of these are real, but here are some strange U.S. laws I found in perusing the internet. Of course, I suspect many of these were either laws in the past that just haven't been changed or laws that are not really enforced.

• In Alabama it is illegal to have a mustache that causes laughter in church.
• In Alaska it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• In Alaska it is illegal to stampede a penguin (just kidding, lumps).
• In Nogales, Arizona it is illegal to wear suspenders.
• In San Francisco it is illegal to wipe a car with used underwear.
• In several states, it is legal to beat your wife, but only once a month.
• In Florida, single women cannot parachute on Sundays.
• In Illnois it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to wear shorts while riding a horse.
• In Florida, having relations with a porcupine is illegal.
• In Pennsylvania, a man cannot become governor if he has participated in a duel.
• The Encyclopedia Brittanica is banned in Texas as it includes a recipe for home-brewed beer.
• Margarine cannot be served in Wyoming state prisons. The very idea!

For more great laws, go to http://www.dumblaws.com/

The Librarian Myth

The other day Hipp and I were sitting around watching the Music Man. A delightful old movie. After which we watched its a wonderfull life. We then finished our romp through the world of hollywood with an action film for my benefit, The Mummy.

Now I'm sure that anyone else going through this same list of films would ultimatly come to the same conclusion that I did. Librarians are good looking women. Not that any of the actresses in question are my idea of the godess diana but they are still very easy on the eyes. As we all know Art immitates life. So off the lumpy went to feast his eyes upon the modern working classes version of the Amazon women. I went to my local library.

Striding through the double glass doors I prepared myself for the wonderful specticle.

Jaw shut check
Eyes in head check
Tongue still in mouth check
No drool check

What I saw was an empty desk and stacks and stacks of dusty books. They must be having a meeting I thought to myself as I headed deaper into the mysterious catacombs. There must be a half dozen of them sitting in a circle discussing the latest works by this or that author. My pace quickened as my imagination flew. Indeed I was going so fast that I barely noticed the stooped figure that appeared from between the rows of books until I had nearly knocked her over.

I was so stunned by the vissage of this women that my checklist flew out the window instantly with one exception. My jaw hung open, my eyes popped out of my head, and my tongue fell out of my mouth. No drool. This stooped creature had a face designed by the creaters of the california rasins. Six or seven hairs stuck out of her balding head and her fat eyelids were so puffed that it was difficult to tell if her runny eyes were open. May I help you? She croaked in a voice that sounded like she was one cigaret away from one of those computerised voice boxes. Regaining my composiour I answered
Yes. I'm Looking for the librarians.
Yes. She croaked. May I help you?
I'M LOOKING FOR THE LIBRARIANS.
*sigh* Yes. I'm the librarian. May I help you?
Once again my mouth dropped open. This couldn't be the librarian. She was nothing like the movies. Why she was more like one of the trolls that demanded passage from the billy goats gruff.
But... But... I stamered trying to figure out where things went wrong.
The troll stared at me for another moment and then trundled forward nudging me to one side so she could fit her short girth through the small isle.
And there.
Alone in the isle.
I cried for just a moment.

Partial public nudity

It's windy and rainy today. Why is it really windy and rainy when I have to wear a tie and drive around all day?

I was going to post this in the comments part of the last post, but it deserves it's own space. LOST IS THE BEST SHOW. EVER. I watched it for two hours last night. I could still be sitting there watching it (granted, I do have a mini fridge right next to my favorite recliner, which has cupholders in it...). Multi-layered, easter-eggs galore, hot women, my favorite place in the world - the beach, and then last night...oh last night. The hatch! Desmond! "Are you him?" What is going on?!?!

For anyone who watches the show - remember Ethan Rom? His name's an anagram - for "Other Man." Who is this Desmond guy? And check this out - DEsMONd. Hmmm. I could go on for days, but I have a much more important topic at hand....

When is it appropriate to stop breat feeding your child? One year old? Two years old? Five?

I was standing around in a waiting room yesterday (it couldn't have been a sitting room, because there was no place to sit) and a little girl came out looking for her mom. The girl was no older than five, but I'm positive she was older than three. Old enough to talk, and for me to understand her (you know how kids go through that stage where only the parents understand them? Well, I understood this kid, so...). Very clearly, the kid said she was hungry. And mom was more than happy to oblige. Mom had no other children in tow, and didn't look as if she recently had a child, but was wearing one of those shirts that snaps open so you can breast-feed.

*snap*snap*snap*The shirt was undone, the boob was whipped out, and the kid went to town on the thing.

If you're old enough to have teeth, shouldn't you be using them?

Other stuff:

• The San Diego Padres won their division. They aren't even going to have a winning record. They're so bad, the Bills could beat them - with JP Losman pitching!
• Kate Moss checked into rehab. Someone give her a cheeseburger while she's there.
• The House of Representatives is "plotting a new strategy" after speaker Tom DeLay was indicted. I'm sorry, but I really don't like the idea of our government officials "plotting" anything. Sounds sinister, like some kind of mystery novel or film noir, doesn't it? Shouldn't they be passing laws or governing, not plotting?
• Headline on CNN: "Gas prices rising." No crap.

What's in a name?

Well, I've been pondering names. You see, Lumpy and I have an odd hobby. We enjoy spending our spare time walking local cemetaries, a pastime which was participated in with a fair portion of Lumpy's family (who strangly enough, seem to share the same predilection). Was that a run-on or what? Can you tell I was an English major? Anyway, the Lumpy extended family took a afternoon jaunt in the cemetary. Lumpy takes pictures with his Canon and we all comment on the strange names and epitaphs. The Lumpy family is even irreverent enough to let off a big guffaw at particular favorites. I think I was liking this post the first time better, before the internet ate it.

Anyway, going to the cemetaries always reminds me of Sunday mornings growing up. My mom was a Weight Watcher's leader, so Saturdays belonged to dad. We watched cartoons all morning: Smurfs, Gummi Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, Bugs Bunny, Dumbo's circus, etc. Usually breakfast consisted of the most sugary cereals on the market, the ones mom would only let us eat occasionally. My dad would make Cinnamon Rose tea with loads of sugar and milk, and only about a teaspoon of actual tea. Then we would play name games. Dad would read the birth notices and we would laugh at favorite names. Some favorites I still remember are LaStinka (no doubt at what the parents were thinking...), D'Artagnon, (my personal favorite) Espe Du Wop Jones.
Other awful names I found while doing a quick surf: Fritha, Sholey, Tegwin, Tannith, Ophelia Eden, Monroe Charlize, Heart Scarlett, and the list could go on and on. For an extensive list of the worst ever names check out http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html entitled Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing. And of course we could all add to the list the celebrities who have made terrible names household words. Care for an Apple anyone?

I give up on trying to spell the names of most kids today, too. I cringe to think of addressing 25 birthday party invitations to members of my daughters class. Perhaps an Egwene, Jacen, Camerin, Aken, Attica (since this is a prison located only miles from my home, this name is a most scary thought to me indeed. What if it becomes prophetic?). I have no problem with ethnic names, family names, biblical names, etc. But please, please think about your child’s future when you pick a name.

Any nominations for worst baby name ever?

Meet Squidward Tentacles, SpongeBob's neighbor

I got my Entertainment Weekly magazine in the mail the other day. I didn’t really have time to read through it until yesterday though. Some pretty cool stuff in it, as usual (if you can’t tell, I’m kind of “plugged-in”).

In the back of the magazine, once a month, my favorite author, Stephen King, writes an article – Pop of King – in which he talks about whatever mindless blather he comes up with. Sometimes it’s a book review, which it is (sort of) this month. Last month he talked about what is right now my favorite television show – Lost.

I’m getting off on a tangent now (you have been forewarned). In his Lost article, King basically has a message for the writers of the show – end it when it ends. I couldn’t agree more. Too many quality shows (and in some cases, movies) are ruined because the people involved want to milk the cow for all she’s worth. You can find tons of examples of this (X-Files on TV, the Batman and Superman movie sequels). Lost is one of the best-written shows I’ve ever seen on TV. It’s creative, funny, dramatic and fantastic, with plot-twists that are mind-bending. I would give anything to be able to be a part of the unbelievable talent that goes into the production of this show.

Back to the original topic. This month’s King article talks about how a writer, who’s name escapes me, is “blaming” his new book (of which the title escapes me too) on Stephen King. King, intrigued by this, read the book (wouldn’t you?) and realized that the person wrote a heckuva good story, and King realized that it was because the author globbed together a bunch of different “Stephen King moments” and it was good. King also realized that the author nearly mimicked his writing style (parenthetical insertions and all). And that made me realize – I use parenthetical insertions all the time (sounds dirty).

It’s amazing to me how that worked out. I see it a lot now, going back and reading things I’ve written. I have two, maybe three authors I read a lot of. And my writing style has evolved into a glob of all three – Crichton, King and Rowling. Isn’t that strange? And wonderful?

I find myself humming two very different songs today – “Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies / Farewell and adieu you ladies of Spain. / For we received orders for to sail back to Boston / And soon never more will we see you again” (from the movie Jaws)
And – “Why do you build me up (build me up)/Buttercup baby, just to let me down (Let me down)/And mess me around?/And worst of all (worst of all)/You never call baby when you say you will” (The Foundations)

They took a picture of a giant squid. You wouldn’t catch me anywhere near that. Unless I was pushing Snape into the lake near Hogwarts.

Chad Pennington is out for the season, and the NY Jets signed 43-year old Vinny Testaverde as quarterback. Is it just me or are old people taking over the world?

A man’s girlfriend was mad at him. “You never take me anyplace expensive anymore,” she said. So he took her to a gas station.

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I think so, but...Kevin Costner with an English accent? I don't know...

A haiku:

Buggs Bunny runs fast.
Elmer chases dat wabbit.
Wait! It's Duck Season!

Is there any doubt who's crazy now?

The art of critique and the rant (Warning Flame - serious post)

Warning! Serious and inflammatory post. Read at own Risk.

Ok. I was going to leave this in the comments but I think there is something for all of us to learn here. I was somewhat disturbed to find this comment after Hippolytas (Hipp) post A day in the life.
Alex
Seriously - you have some of the nastiest things to say about people and books...what kind of Christian are you? Have you read either of those books - or are you just taken shots at some of the books your arch-nemesis has read and randomly made fun of them as well? It takes a broad, open mind to accept and respectfully disagree and a closed, narrow mind to rip something apart - while thinking you are funny. Why so pissy? I know Harriet may seem sad - but are you offering?

Ok Alex. Lets talk about this. Why? Well because I'm tired of a couple of things I see a lot of lately.
Oh do tell us Mr. Lumpy, what are these things?
Do you really want to know?
Yes. Yes we do.
Well ok then.

First and fore most I am tired of people trying to stifle free thought and free speech by demanding that everyone sugar coat things. The act of expressing opposing ideas demands that one person prove another wrong and it is often shown in less than glowing terms. This by the way is true even of Church leaders. One can easily find areas where Catholic popes cursed each other to everlasting damnation and hell fire. There is a time of Papal rule that the Catholic church refers to as the Rule of the Basterds. And Martin Luther constantly referred to Popes as the Anti-Christ and Satan incarnate so lets not try and push PC values on Christianity and decide that because you are a Christian you are not aloud to exercise critical thinking in such a way that you call a spade a spade.

Second. Why is it impossible for people to operate on logical rational thought in our society today? Rather than address the issue that is being raised people instead attack the person speaking. Are we so afraid that we might lose an argument that we won’t come to the plate? Or do we not have a leg to stand on to begin with? Now I have no problem with a person questioning the opponents integrity or even being nasty on a personal level (which Alex and Hipp both were and I will be in this post by way of response) IF the person doing this backs up their point with facts.

With this in mind I'm going to address Alex’s comments and lets show how a real person who has taken the time to READ what was said is able to argue. Namely Point by Point dealing with what the person SAID and what the obvious meanings of the ideas expressed are.

Are we ready? Then lets go.

"Seriously - you have some of the nastiest things to say about people and books..." Is Alex serious? I find it hard to believe that a serious person would make such a statement after having READ the post. Not only is Alex not debating what was said with this statement Alex has not remained accurate with her comments.

Lesson 1 boys and girls. If you are going to argue stay accurate.

Hipp was not talking about people and books. She was talking about a very specific person (say it with me boys and girls... Harriet Klausner) and Hipp was not talking about a whole bunch of books. In fact she was not talking about books at all. She was talking about (say it with me... Harriet Klausners) book reviews. Specifically her book reviews for the following three books:
Conversations with The Fat Girl, Almost Perfect, The Great Pretender. Well lets see here. Alex claims that Hipp has "the nastiest things to say about... books" because she asserts that (say it with me one more time Harriet Klausner) has not written a good critique when she says that Conversations with The Fat Girl is a deep character study, Almost Perfect is a "fun story", and The Great Pretender is "a fabulous insightful family drama with no one unscathed or perfect, which is why the tale is so good". First I fail to see what is so nasty that she is saying about the books as SHE IS NOT TALKING ABOUT THE BOOKS. This is painfully obvious as she DOES NOT QOUTE THE BOOKS. She quotes Harriet Klausner. Therefore she is talking about Klausners critiques. Did you really have trouble picking up on this fact Alex? I will give Alex more credit than she deserves; however, and lets assume Alex meant Hipp has nasty things to say about Klausners reviews. This is a country where people are aloud to speak there minds and engage in debate (You know where two people take opposing views. I'm sure you ran into this in school) which is what we are attempting to do here. Hipps point is that Klausner has not taken adequate time to give a decent review of the book. Open up any magazine or newspaper and look at the amount of space given on reviewing a restaurant. Whole columns. In the light of this I find a review as short as the ones listed above to be shamefully short given that a book has so much more information than oh… say a restaurant. This is Hipps point.

Point 2 – Don’t attack the person without substantiating your claims with facts. "what kind of Christian are you?" The kind that uses her head and is not afraid to stand up for the things she believes even when they are ambiguous as far as Christianity is concerned. This question is indicative of the cancer eating at the intellectual fabric of America. The belief that you can win an argument by attacking the person instead of the idea that the person is positing when widely accepted by a culture can only lead to intellectual stagnation, the dumbing down of the populace, and creation of an intellectually elite which Alex is doing a good job of showing she will not be a part of.

"Have you read either of those books - or are you just taken shots at some of the books your arch-nemesis has read and randomly made fun of them as well?" - Once again Alex is not arguing but attacking the person speaking. Note how Alex does not defend Klausners reviews which is what is being held up for scrutiny. I happen to know that Hipp has read the books in question. I also know that Hipp is not in the running for making tons of book reviews and therefore is not a major competitor of Klausner. What Hipp is doing is demanding, as a consumer, reliable critiques on which to base her purchases. Klausner is hardly reliable when she does not give negative reviews and the reviews that are given seldom (notice I did not say always. Point 3 - be precise with your language and your reading) make use of more than the most general glowing terms. Given these facts Hipp has written, as a warning, about Klausner to those who are reading this site and also challenged Klausner to a higher standard which is frankly desperately needed and obviously lacking in her reviews. Granted Hipp has gotten a bit personal with her suggestions but that is because Hipp feels strongly about the subject. If you don’t like it welcome to FREEDOM OF SPEECH 101. I am the Lumpy and I will be your teacher. Since Hipp has not defamed Klausner she has this right as do you and as do I. If you don’t like the way it was said you are welcome to speak up as am I. See how that works. Everyone gets to speak. And you get to show your lack of ability to argue a point and I get to show how ridiculous you are and how your mindset is a scourge on society and an insult to intellectual thinking. Isn’t freedom of speech wonderful.

Point 4 - get your facts right "It takes a broad, open mind to accept and respectfully disagree and a closed, narrow mind to rip something apart - while thinking you are funny. " - It takes no broader a mind to respectfully disagree than it does to rip something apart. It simply requires a different style and is often easiest when a counter point has been put in front of you. I could be respectful of Alex’s comments but I am choosing not to. Is this because I am narrow minded? No. I am broad minded enough to understand a dissenting viewpoint about what constitutes a decent critique. It is because I have no respect for opinions given without evidence that I’m not showing respect. Lets also note the hypocrisy of this statement. Alex is saying Hipp is narrow minded because she has ripped apart Klausners reviews yet Alex is disrespectfully ripping apart Hipps review of Klausner. Does this make Alex a narrow minded bigot? Then why should we accept Alex’s position that it makes Hipp a narrow minded bigot? As for Hipp thinking Hipp is funny. Humor is like beauty, it is in the eye of the beholder. You don't find it funny. That is your right.

Point 5 - be realistic. "Why so pissy? I know Harriet may seem sad - but are you offering?" Why so pissy? Because Hipp feels like a poor job has been done when a very good job could have been done. You see when you READ what a person says you can gain an idea of what they mean. Hipp is not saying that Klausner is INCAPABLE of doing a good job but she is saying that Klausner is DOING a poor job. The general idea is for Klausner to take a little more time and produce something of quality which she is capable of doing. I could give examples here but if you are still reading then chances are you don't need them. Feel free to ask for them in the comments though if you feel they are necessary and I will post them upon request. As for Offering to do what Klausner is doing in order to fix the problem lets get serious (something Alex claimed to be at the beginning). When you return something to the supermarket do you offer to become a farmer? When you go to Walmart and return an item do you offer to take up manufacturing? Get a bad meal at a restaurant and open your own chain? Get a bad taxi ride and become a taxi driver? I appreciate what Alex is saying; that, people who gripe about something have the option to make it better. However, the point that a person is making is NOT made invalid or valid based upon a person’s decision to apply their energies in that particular field. Otherwise you have a lot of different careers in front of you Alex.

And so Alex; given that you have so many careers you need to pursue we will let you go. I trust I've shown the problem with your style of argumentation but if you would like to give it another try I will be waiting for you to take up the torch. I will not; however, be holding my breath.

Class dismissed. We now return you to the usual humorous nature of this blog.

Man-Hands

Normally I'm not one to look for Seinfeld-like situations in real life, but I just shook hands with a woman who has gigantic hands.

How do you get hands bigger than a baseball glove? Do you drink some kind of hand-growning special elixer? Was she the victim of a Neville Longbottom curse gone wrong? These things were monstrous!

I've shaken (is that right? shaken? shook?) hands with many people in my life, and some had huge hands (Big Show, if you smell what I'm cookin'), but this woman had man-hands. That's just not right.

Simple Pleasures

If you had a million dollars, what would you do? If you had a billion dollars, what would you do?

The answer to those questions, whatever it is, whoever you are, is what you should be doing with your life. I learned that from the movie "Office Space." I also learned that the question is dumb, because no one would ever say, "I'd clean up poop."

In the movie, the guy's answer was "nothing." He'd do nothing if he had a billion dollars. I wouldn't.

I would:

1. Buy a huge yacht and sail to Catalina. Or Hawaii. (Yes, I watch The O.C., no the boat won't be named the Summer Breeze.)

2. Have season tickets to the Buffalo Bills. I know they suck, but the pregame party there is totally worth it.

3. Buy a huge screen TV and watch movies.

4. Go to New Zealand, Egypt, France and Moscow. Not necessarily in that order.

5. Eat a lot of sour gummi worms and drink a lot of kool-aid. I might even buy the kool-aid factory. That would be fun, I could be like a kool-aid WIlly Wonka. With a Kiwi-Strawberry-flavored river.

So, I guess that's what I should be doing with my life - traveling and eating. And watching Gollum freak out in High Def. And watching the Bills choke. You want to pay me to do that? Do you know anyone who'll pay me to do that?

What shall we eat?

My daughter, the great dispenser of poop, drool, and vomit, was sitting politely and very lady like on the Lumpys cheast last night. Legs straight out towards the Lumpys head staring at the Lumpy with that ever expectent look of entertaine me papa. And so after some amazing World War II fighter pilot type maneuvers and a few dancing lessons via the Lumpys school of the Macaraina my daughter settled back into her original position on my chest with a slightly different look.

This time rather than stare at me she looked directly at her big toe. As she bent slowly toward it her face said it all. She sat there and her father understood for he has often had the same thoughts while staring at his big toe.

"Vant to suck ze toh. Ze toh. It callz to me. It iz, so yummy. Must suck ze toh."

And so My daughter and I sat happily sucking her toes till her mommy came in and forced us to stop. But every now and again, as time goes on, the toe will call to us. and though we try to resist it's allure. We try to be good. There will be no saving us. It's call will draw us in. "Suck ze toh. Suck ZE toh. SUCK ZE TOH. And we will both as one lean our drool covered chins down and together my daughter and I will eat her feet.

A Day in the Life

What does your typical day consist of? If you're like most Americans, it might go something like this...Waking up to the alarm clock, grabbing a quick shower, heading out the door, cup of coffee in hand. Arriving at a job where you're overstressed, underpaid, and overcaffeinated for at 8 hour stint. Then coming home, eating an indescribable meal made with hamburger, and spending a few hours of mindless blather with your spouse and/or television set. We prefer the former here, hence no TV. But I digress, as we have other timewasters here, one of which I'm using to procrastinate from having to cook large quantities of chili. There is some variance in our days. Instead of sitting in a cube all day, I spend my day doing strange tricks to try to entice my beast--er, daughter--to perform new skills. Is this much different from what most of you do at the office, though? Anyway, this was a giant tangent, as this post is about a giant in cyberspace and what she does with her time.
Harriet Klausner. Chances are if you are a purchaser at amazon.com you are acquainted with her work if not her name. You see Klausner is amazon's #1 reviewer. This means she has reviewed 9,764 books to date (probably at least 60 more by the time you read this). She has also received 61,504 "helpful" votes. Strangely enough, amazon's second leading reviewer has read 11,080 books and received 63,024 helpful votes so one might wonder what criteria was used to rank reviewers. Klausner has become so well-known in the book world that several major publishers send her every book they publish to review.
A quick search on dates, shows that there are days when Harriet has written over 30 reviews. According to a Washington Post interview in March, Klausner reads 4-5 books a day. Don't get me wrong. I love to read. My bookshelves have taken over the house and I rarely miss the local library booksales. Anyway, fortunately life gets in the way of this type of reading. As a matter I'm convinced even 3 square meals and a few trips to the loo would hold me back from reading 4-5 books per day. Who knows, maybe the publishing companies will offer to pay for Klausner's eye surgery a few years down the road. Reading-induced injury. Harriet's friends (I'm dubious whether she actually has time for them...you can read in the loo but its pretty difficult to read and maintain an intelligent conversation) have apparently tried to entice her into new hobbies. One even bought her a DVD player, which is still sitting in the box.
The depth and insight involved in Harriet's reviews indicate perhaps Harriet has read more back cover blurbs, than actual books. Conversations with The Fat Girl is a deep character study? Almost Perfect is a "fun story." The Great Pretender is "a fabulous insightful family drama with no one unscathed or perfect, which is why the tale is so good."
Harriet, if you're reading this, please get up stretch your legs, take a bathroom break, grab some breakfast and spend the time conversing with family and friends. Cut down your book reading to half. Clean your bathroom. Visit the zoo with your grandchildren. Travel. You may find you have even more to write about.

Microwaved fish

It's called White Pizza, right? Doesn't that mean it supposed to look white? I always thought white pizza was cheese and garlic, that's it. Once it's cooked it's white.

I saw a white pizza today. It was green. On purpose.

It had broccoli and spinach on it.

**We interrupt this pizza question with a small annoyed man**I'm all for eating healthy, and I won't knock anyone who does it, but please tell me why you are ordering a pizza with vegetables on it. Hellooooo? Oxymoron, anyone?**Now back to your regularly scheduled question**

Now, a white pizza is supposed to be white, not green. The problem is not the color, the problem is in the re-heating of this pizza. Whoever the genius is that decided to put broccoli on a pizza must have never had leftovers.

Or worked in an office.

With a microwave.

Reheating broccoli is like reheating fish. Are you trying to kill us with stink?!?!

I move that we put a moratorium on reheating broccoli and fish in microwaves while other human beings are within olfactory distance.

How to eat all you can eat

Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet

China Buffet

Old Country Buffet

Mexican Buffet

I could go on. There are tons of these types of places out there: "All You Can Eat," "Eat Till You're Full." But rarely do common everyday folk go into these places and actually eat all they can. It's a special occasion if someone actually eats more food than they actually paid for!

So how do you do it? How do beat the "All You Can Eat" game? Thank God quint is here, because I know the secret!

First of all, you can't be fat. Fat people can't eat all they can eat. It may not be a proven fact, but I've seen it on ESPN - every year when Coney Island has their famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, some puny little asian kid who has never seen a size 28 waist ends up crushing the competition. This year, one of the most famous eaters in the US (William "The Refridgerator" Perry, a man named after the place you keep food) was crushed by a skinny dude. I'm a skinny guy and I can sit for hours at thanksgiving dinner.

Second, you need to eat before you go to an all you can eat place. Don't look at me like I'm crazy, this is true! Look at it this way: a marathon runner wouldn't run a marathon without stretching his legs beforehand. A marathon eater should stretch his stomach before eating. Now don't go crazy, just eat a small amount of food, nothing filling and no empty calories. This means no candy, no bread and no alcohol. Eat something your stomach will digest to get it going - fruit, a small piece of chicken.

Clothing at a buffet is something that may people discuss. I'm of the mind that you can reall wear what you want, but you do want to have a semi-flexible wasitband. Sweatpants are a no-no. Have you seen people who wear sweatpants to a restaurant? You don't want to be that person.

Now you're ready to go to the buffet. When you arrive, you need to pick a decent seat. If you are at a buffet, pick one within viewing distance of the buffet line. You need to see when the food is arriving. If it's a Red Lobster-style all you can eat, where the waiter brings you more, get a booth for sure. You're going to be there a while and you want to be comfy.

DO NOT EAT THE BREAD!

Order water to drink. No soda, no alcohol. No juice or milk. Water. Get several napkins ready - if the buffet ends at a certain time, you don't want to waste time getting napkins or waiting for wait-staff to bring them. Silverware at a buffet is optional.

Don't waste your time on salad or fruit. If you followed my instructions, you've already had some fruit. You don't want to eat healthy at a buffet. You're eating all you can! Does that sound healthy at all to you?! Restaurants offer all you can eat salad because it's cheaper than all the other food! If you want to eat more than you've paid for, salad and fruit are instant no-nos. I've seen more than one person meet their downfall at the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet because they couldn't wait for another pizza to come out so they went for the breadsticks and salad.

An optional rule for buffets is to eat something you normally wouldn't like. Think about it: You're eating all you can. It's not going to be on your tounge long, so it won't taste bad for long either. When I go to Pizza Hut, I eat the Hawaiian Pizza, even though I don't like it - hawaiian pizza costs them more and I want to win here! If you follow this optional rule, make sure you end your dining experience on a food you like. You want to walk out of the restaurant with your palate satisfied.

If you have to wait for waitstaff to bring you food, order it in advance so it keeps coming. You don't want to be sitting long.

When eating, pace yourself. So many people make the mistake of cleaning their plate in the first five minutes that they lose steam.

Finally, when your done, sit back and relax, knowing that you have, indeed, eaten all you can and that your best effort was put forth. Eating all you can is not something to be taken lightly. It's as much a competition as a football or soccer game, and each competitor is worn down at the end of the day.

I'm a Visionary

Quint and Hippolyta can both vouch for what I am about to write.

Several years ago I was sitting around musing about the stat certain sectors of the IT Sector and I came to the following conclusion. Eventually we will upgrade tombstones with small computers. These computers will be programmed with an artificial inteligence designed to mimic the personality of the person entombed at that location. These High-tech tombstones would also have built in holographic projectors with software designed to pick up ques from the AI and produce the appropriate corresponding movements.

Today I found an article that shows the first steps in this direction.
http://www.local6.com/news/4863830/detail.html

I also predicted that when the time comes one of the things they will overlook is the ability for these AI to interact with each other especially if they were designed by different companies. This could make for a very interesting cemetary full of "people" who are locked in an eternity of conversation. Lets hope we are all buried next to people we get along with.

The Lumpy

They're smarter than us

Humans are not the most dominant species on the planet. We just think we are. And every other animal lets us think it.

Just because we can talk and have the capacity for abstract thought doesn't make us dominant. Every other animal is smarter than us. And we serve them. We really do.

Sure, we can go out hunting and kill them all, but that doesn't make us smarter. That would make us dumber, because then we'd have no food. Animals can hunt us and kill us too. And each other. But they don't, because they're smarter than that. They know they'd run out of food. Even the animals who don't eat other animals are smart - they'll just sneak onto some stupid human's farm and take some of the food he's growing. They don't even need to grown their own food! Have you ever seen a woodchuck chasing a human out of his garden?

Some of the dumbest ideas in history came from the ability to have abstract thought. Pet rock anyone? PET ROCK! Bottled water?? Animals don't pay for water! It's right there! Just drink it! And do you think there would have ever been a Poopin' Moose? You remember this right? It was a Milk Dud candy dispenser. Use your capacity for abstract thought to figure out what it did.

Sure we can drive around in cars and get to where we need to go, but look at the price of gas - does this make us smarter? Animals have everything they need right within walking distance. Even if it's cold or hot, everything they need is right there.

I want to live like animals. I wear lots of layers. If I get hot, I shed them. I want everything within walking distance. At my home, there is a fridge right next to my favorite chair, so I don't even have to get up to eat.

Spy tools

Well, my baby is sleeping. Having just recovered from a week-long stay from a Canadian houseguest and several days of having a heater installed, the house looks like it was hit by a small cyclone. Given that my daughter has been aptly named the beast by husband (AKA lumpy), who would expect any different. Well, I thought what better way to procrastinate than by writing a post here.
My husband in his blog has a common theme in his writing about The Beast, which involves trying to find various implements which can be used to torture said beast. I am not writing about such an item, but today I have realized I have the implements to take over the world or at least the neighborhood. Its a little thing called the baby monitor. Most families have one of these devices. For about $50 we purchased a Sony version promising us multiple channels of reception and a large range. For instance, right now this range is enabling me to sit in my basement and write on this blog as I listen to my baby breathing such high volume I'm convinced she could be a character in a Chuckie movie. I am also listening to cars pass by on the street where we live and hearing our neighbor mow his lawn. So, this is an excellent device for keeping up with the Joneses. I now know that I must nag my husband to come home from work immediately and mow the lawn. I also know exactly what deviousness our neighborhood children are planning involving our cat and I must put a stop to it. Seems to me that this device could be useful in planning some sort of anarchy. I'll keep pondering on this and keep you all posted. In the meantime, I suggest each of you get one of these devices....

Shaken Adult Syndrom?

Ok we have all heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome or SBS right? Right. Well I'm here to talk about a Shaken Adult Syndrom or SAS as I like to refer to it. SAS is largely self inflicted and is often less terminal or sevear than SBS and usually comes about like this.

Person to friend "I haven't been sevearly shaken in a while and I have a sudden urge to spend many hours of my day feeling like I have the flu without the relief of throwing up. What do you say we go to the local amusement park?"

Friend "I was planning on sniffing paint fumes later this afternoon but that sounds like as much fun so sure."

And off they go.

It is a little known fact that amusement park rides are designed by sadists who wanted to inflict sever brain trauma on millions of human beings but didn't have the guts to become serial killers. The sole objective of amusement park rides is to slam the human brain against the riders skull at as many different angles as is physically possible. This causes the brain to think that it is in the moshpit at a Pantera concert at which point the brain screams "I'm going to die!" and inorder to ease its passing begins excreating large amounts of alcohol and morphine type substances which makes the brains' host body feel happy, dizzy, and sick. These are the standard symptoms of SAS.

It is with this in mind that I am petitioning for the creation of hundreds more amusement parks so that two things might happen. Hundreds of sadists will continue to be gainfully employed and satiated at the same time thereby keeping them from breaking into my house and killing my family and I by strapping us into home made, man sized, paint mixers. And two; Millions of foolish people will eventually shake themselves into a vegetative state thereby making more jobs for those of us intelligent enough to not give ourselves SAS.

This has been an informational from...

The Lumpy

Vegetation

Have you ever noticed how much people can resemble vegetables?
That little old lady down the street who wears the full length straight dress and wears her hair in tight white curls. Couliflower. The guy with the major bear belly that seams to go all the way around. Gourd.
No lie back in a church I used to go too there was this little old lady with short legs whose body tapered as it traveled up towards her head. she constantly would wear her hair in a single pointy configuration and I never saw her in any collor other than purple. She looked just like a radish stood on end, or perhaps a beat, or turnip.

Some times it can be so hard to pick a single vegetable.